My fraught relationship with happiness
Do you question joy or contentment? Like how feeling good has become such a foreign concept that you start thinking about all the things you “need” to worry about, because life can’t possibly be going this well, right? There’s always something that you need to fix or be anxious over, if not now then sometime in the future.
For a long time, I haven’t trusted happiness. Whenever I was feeling good, I’d be cautious: I’d think of stuff to worry about just to bring myself back down to Earth again, because I thought, “Good times don’t last. Positive emotions are always fleeting.” I’d rather be ready and waiting for the bad times to come, then at least I wouldn’t be surprised.
It took me years to break this pattern. Focusing solely on negativity was part of my black-and-white thinking (thanks, BPD!) that my therapists and I have worked so hard to manage.
Me: Ang hirap kasi ng buhay, minsan masaya, minsan malungkot.
Doc Rye: Eh diba ganun naman talaga ang lahat ng buhay? Wala namang purely masaya o malungkot, laging may ups and downs ang buhay eh.
Happiness may not last forever, but neither does sadness. I’ve figured out that part of my healing entailed not just getting through my depression, but also being an active participant in experiencing joy. I’ve mourned the presence of sadness so much, that I haven’t been mindful in moments of lightness – and trust me, there are always these moments.
Now, when I’m feeling content about my circumstances, I shush the anxious voices in my head by recounting all the things to be grateful for in that moment. Life is not always peaceful or joyful, which is exactly why we need to cherish the times when it is.